Why?

I can't put it into words most of the time. Sometimes when people give me that look that says, 'why do you put yourself through all that' I just don't have an answer. I just smile back and say 'it is what it is' and the conversation falls away. I even had the idea that I'd create a website to try to tell the world why I do it but the truth is I really couldn't tell you.

There are moments that stick out. I can remember workouts from years ago like they were yesterday and I remember how I felt and the moments when I broke through a barrier or in some cases, and perhaps even more rewarding, helping others break barriers. I guess in a way I look back at my lifetime in the gym thus far and I feel like it's a career of sorts and there are times when I realize that my life has been more defined by my time under the weights than anything. I remember the first time I loaded six plates on the military press and how it was so easy and looked so impressive! I'll never forget the first time I did an hour on the elliptical...and I could never forget the pain of the first time I ever stepped on it. And probably my greatest memory is tied to my biggest regret, the day I deadlifted 735 pounds.

A week after I skipped South Carolina's Strongest Man where the winner deadlifted 734. 

I had a point to prove and I loaded that bar. And kept loading. And kept loading. And I made my girlfriend tape my record attempt and I howled like a rabid wolf bringing that weight up, crushing myself in the process but I've never felt like I mattered more to the world than that moment. Later, the realization set in that I could've had a shot to win that contest and I cheated myself out of that. 

Moments like that don't happen in the office. You'll never print a report better than someone or you'll never be in a situation where you send out an email that ignites every fiber in someone's body because their brain thinks the weight on their back will crush and kill them. There is a special set of emotions that linger in the dark corners of your psyche that can only come out when you're tested in the real world, with iron and steel, covered in sweat with parts of your body begging you to give up. It's not about a 'high' and it's not always about just achieving a goal you wrote down on a sheet of paper at your office a few weeks ago. I think for me it's about feeling like I'm alive. When I'm working out, no matter if it's just some light cardio or if it's hardcore contest prep, being in the gym or on the mats makes me feel like I have a purpose and that's not something I've found anywhere else.

I always knew I was different. I was always so big and really pretty strong naturally, but I never embraced that. I always hated being so big and awkward and I really hated the fact that no one was ever 'like me.' What took me years to figure out was that I was special, and once I embraced that I realized the gifts I was born with were tools that I could use to do some truly unique things. In and around the wrestling ring I managed to achieve a lot of things I wanted to do, but my mindset was always toxic because I was always worried about what the other guys were up to. Now, years removed from the circuit, I see that I wasted so much time and so many opportunities because I wasn't focusing on who I was and what I had to offer.

There are many like it, but this one is mine!

I always wanted to be a strongman but I never believed in myself. It took me a while to make the decision to do it, but once I did it consumed me. I read more than I ever have before. I ate better and smarter. I trained harder and smarter. I rehabbed more. I did everything more and better and smarter for nearly a solid year before I worked up the nerve to commit to a contest. I still doubted myself. I still thought I was weak and small and inferior and every other negative word you can imagine. Then I opened that envelope and saw that strongman card. 

Man that was a good feeling. 

Yeah it's just a membership card. Yeah anyone could get one. I know, I know...

However, this one is mine. That card, to me, is the diploma for a lifetime of thinking that I was never good enough. That card is my justification to dream bigger and work toward things. It's more than just a membership card, it's my constant reminder that you can do whatever you want if you're willing to put the work in. I've laid awake many nights wondering why I'm here and I've said many times if I all do is lift heavy things and inspire other people to do so, then I guess that's good enough. But there's that little bundle of emotions that remember watching Chief Iron Bear Collins wear his headdress on World's Strongest Man. Or when Mariusz took off RUNNING hitched up to a semi. I remember the chills on my neck when I looked at pictures of Andy Bolton deadlifting 1,000 pounds over a decade ago and man the tears in my eyes when Eddie Hall deadlifted 1,100 pounds this summer.

I guess I'm still searching for my moment. Maybe that's why I do it. Every workout, however light or small or heavy or productive, is one more big, bold statement to the world and to myself that I deserve to dream and with hard work I can make those dreams come true.

If you're reading this, dream big. Dare to fail, because you will, but when you do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. If you need to be reminded why, maybe you can find yourself something like I did that you can hold in your hand and remember that your dreams matter, and no matter what anyone else says, believe in yourself.

I know I do.